Pandachucks

 

Panda lovers are desolate because their beloved adolescent panda Tai Shan (pronounced "ty shawn") is soon to be deported to China, although he is a native American, born at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. All pandas are Chinese property, it seems. However, researchers at a gene-splicing facility in western Maryland (for security reasons, it cannot be named) report that a "beta" model all-American groundhog-panda hybrid is ready to roll. In the beta model, genes from a red panda (Ailurus fulgens) were spliced into those of a common American groundhog (Marmota monax), also known as a woodchuck or whistle-pig, caught dumpster-diving on North Market Street in Frederick, Md., creating the new Marmota fulgens americanus (photo). "We hope equally to succeed soon with a giant panda," an unidentified spokesman said. "We think this is totally cool! Groundhogs are actually much more intelligent than pandas--as we all know, they have some truly remarkable prognosticative skills--and the possibilities are huge!" There is even talk of engineering a "pandachuck" that will glow with fluorescent light, using new techniques developed at the University of California, San Diego (already shown to work in mice), making it much easier for future Punxsutawney pandachucks to see their shadows.

An unidentified spokesman for the People's Liberation Army contacted by Amolosh had no comment.

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